This will be the first of probably MANY posts about my daughters. They are the biggest joys and the most annoying hassles in my life. To accurately portray my Journey to Mommyhood, let’s start way back when, my Peeps…
Approximately 23 years ago, my older cousin and very first best girlfriend, Dear Cousin, gave birth to her first child, a daughter. Now, I was 14, she was only 15, and these were the days before Teen Mom. It was scary for me for so many reasons. I had barely packed away my Barbies; I was sure I was going to marry Donnie Wahlberg; my biggest medical intervention to date were my braces. So, seeing Dear Cousin bodyslammed into adulthood overnight was, um, offputting, to say the least. We were supposed to form a Super Girl singing duo and tour the world with Madonna, have a double wedding, get houses next door to each other, and have our babies grow up together too. That was all out the window…
So my mind whirling with the sudden huge gulf of life experience between Cousin and me, I met her daughter for the first time. Little R was so small, pink, wiggly, and the most beautiful creature I’d ever seen. I was nearly overcome by sobs, but managed to hold it together until I was back home in my room.
Alone on my bed, on my cute white eyelet covered quilt, I broke down. “I want one. I want a baby. If I don’t or can’t have one… I’ll just die!” Yes, typically dramatic 14 year old girl emotional breakdown. Of course, I didn’t want a baby THAT DAY for crying out loud! But I knew then how badly I wanted it ONE DAY! And, of course, in my typical fashion, I began to believe that if I wanted something this much, I’d probably never get it.
My heart was breaking because I realized how MONUMENTAL motherhood is. How truly life altering. And I ached for it. And I ached because Cousin wasn’t able to really feel the joy and enormity of it because she was freaking 15!!! And I ached because Little R deserved the best in life, and how could two teenagers give her the best? Oy… Mostly, I just ached for another dream that I was certain wouldn’t come true for me.
Flash forward 14 years or so to the day my current best girlfriend Mama D gave birth to her first child, also a daughter. D’s situation was infinitely more ideal than Cousin’s had been. She was an adult in a loving, commited relationship, had a home of her own, a stable income, good career… Seeing my Dear Bestie for the first time as a Mama, I was bursting with pride and awe. And Little A was also so small, so pink, so wiggly and also the most beautiful little creature I ever saw. I held her, and this time, couldn’t hold in my tears. I was overcome with joy, and also with that ache for a dream that may never come true. I sobbed and sobbed and D still teases me about it to this day. It’s one of the favorite parts of Little A’s “The Day You Were Born” story.
About 5 years later, there was a new “The Day You Were Born” tale being written as I finally met my dreams come true, my little Lala and her twin sister Loopsy.
Hubby and I knew we wanted kids right away, and began trying on the honeymoon. We were lucky enough to hit the jackpot only 2 months later. I can’t begin to describe the joy and utter elation I felt as my little Baby Bean began to sprout (yes, Bean… I was convinced I was having A Boy. Just one. Male. I was very wrong. So much for woman’s intuition, Peeps). It was really happening. That dream I’d begun to dream at the age of 14 was finally coming true! I had elaborate fantasies of late night nursing and cuddle sessions with me and my Baby Bean. I’d sing him all the songs my Grandma sang to me. He’d love Dr. Seuss as much as I always had. We’d go to the park and I’d try to teach him to throw and catch and we’d laugh and go to a movie instead…
Then at 20 weeks, I saw what was indeed sprouting… I saw the ghostly ultrasound images of two little noggins… “You sure this is your first sonogram?” the tech asked, “Because I see two heads.” TWO HEADS!!! Hubby and I looked at each other in a panic, then asked said tech for more clarification. Yes, there were indeed two bodies as well. Whew. She showed us all four arms, fours legs, two round little bellies. Hubby laughed and said, “Thank God you have two milk sprockets!” I laughed through my tears and said “Holy shit! Two college educations…two WEDDINGS!” Hubby responded, “Naw, we paid for our own wedding, they’ll pay for theirs!” We held hands and laughed and shook and cried and couldn’t take our eyes off those little bluish white skulls on the screen.
15 weeks later, we were holding hands and shaking and crying as Lala entered the world, small and pink and wiggly, without a cry, followed 12 minutes later by Loopsy, wiggly and pink and small, who began to wail as soon as her head was clear… They still are the most beautiful creatures I’ve ever seen.