I’ve been thinking a lot lately about anger and how I process it, and how dysfunctional I am about it. I think I need therapy, Peeps. I wonder how much different my life would be if I allowed myself to really express my anger. Maybe I’d be thin. Haha- that was a joke. I don’t eat my emotions. I eat chocolate and doritoes.
A recent incident has awakened my inner rage-monster, and I’m feeling like if I vent about it to the person involved that it will make Godzilla’s rampage in Tokyo look like a kids toilet papering the neighbor’s tree prank.
I’m not talking about fighting with my husband anger. That’s more irritation or disappointment or heartache. I can honestly say I’ve never been truly angry with him. If I get pissed at Hubby, it’s usually rooted in something else. Same with the kids.
I’m talking about actual seeing red, unable to control my actions, pure rage. Those of you who know me well will probably say you’ve never seen me really angry. That’s because I’m incredibly adept at supressing it. Probably not healthy, right?
My usual reaction to getting angry is first feeling incredulous. I just can’t believe that someone could be doing what it is they are obviously doing. So, I put that feeling on the back burner of my mind and let it simmer. I try my best to ignore it because I honestly cannot believe the worst in people. But then something happens that shakes that illusion to the core.
Then, I start to analyze and wonder if I’m somehow responsible for this behavior. Because again, I cannot believe the worst in others, so I’m almost always willing to share the blame. How did this start in me? As I type this and see the words I realize how freaking ridiculous it is. Why am I in any way to blame? That’s absurd. That’s self-centered. I need to stop that shit.
After I look at the situation from all angles, I discuss it with my closest advisors, namely Bestie and Hubby, to verify that my take on events isn’t skewed. Again, I’m still not willing to see people as the assholes they are. And I for some reason don’t trust my assessment of the situation. What’s up with that? I’m a pretty smart cookie. Others come to me for advice. Why can’t I take my own counsel? See what I mean about needing therapy?
Finally, I wrestle with the options of how do deal with it. That’s the stage I’m in now. I really don’t know what to do. But I know if I start confronting this person, I won’t be able to keep anything back. I’m at the boiling point. Bubbling over, in this case, will not just release my rage-monster and free me, it might hurt others. And that is my dilemma. How do I let go and get over this without casualties?
Gah. Life sucks sometimes. Pisses me off. 😉