I don’t know if it’s the late thirties emotional meltdown or the 5ish yrs post childbirth hormonal shift, but Heavens to Betsy, Peeps, I’ve been so emotional lately.
I am sobbing over everything, unhappy with the world, wanting to run away (literally and figuratively). I’ve been escaping my problems with all of my go-to crutches- food, booze, television. I’m a mess. Gah. Not too sure lately if I’m cut out for this “adulthood” deal.
I feel so unaccomplished and unimportant. I make it a point to note my daily accomplishments and gratitudes, but lately it all adds up to squat. I’m not who I meant to be. I don’t know who I am.
Oh, and before you ask, that therapist never called back. I know it would be easy to look up the name of another counselor, but, anxiety makes me all itchy and twitchy about the unknown. So, I have yet to receive professional help. It’s becoming clearer and clearer that I need it. I promise I’ll call someone tomorrow. Probably.
I’m not posting this to get sympathy. I just need to admit it. And if there’s anyone else out there going through this, I want them to know they are not alone.
Depression’s a bitch.
So, a commenter on Monday suggested that to start becoming the person I want to be I should be focusing on what I already do right. So, here goes:
- Nothing. (just kidding)
- Write a blog to vent on a variety of topics I find interesting or important or those which are otherwise clogging my brain.
- Create meaningful and fun learning opportunities for my kids.
- Keep up with my peers through a variety of social media.
- Have thoughtful and loving conversations with my daughters about any subject that interests them, no matter how difficult.
- Apologize when I’m wrong and strive to do better.
- Make strides in becoming a better home maker.
Well, that’s a start.
I’ve been thinking lately that instead of thinking of my “weaknesses” as crutches, I should find a way to use them to my advantage. Like in regards to my rambling, in-depth TV Tuesday post yesterday, I thought, hey, I should write for a TV or Entertainment magazine/journal/blog. Lord knows I have a lot of experience watching television. Or maybe I could turn my tendency to overanalyze and correct outward and work in research or editing or something.
This blog post has no coherence at all. Sorry. Brain-fried today.
If anyone’s reading this, thanks for letting me vent. Getting it out helps. Even just this little smackerel of my issues!