Mid-scroogy Crisis

I don’t know if it’s the late thirties emotional meltdown or the 5ish yrs post childbirth hormonal shift, but Heavens to Betsy, Peeps, I’ve been so emotional lately.

I am sobbing over everything, unhappy with the world, wanting to run away (literally and figuratively).  I’ve been escaping my problems with all of my go-to crutches- food, booze, television.  I’m a mess.  Gah.  Not too sure lately if I’m cut out for this “adulthood” deal.

I feel so unaccomplished and unimportant.  I make it a point to note my daily accomplishments and gratitudes, but lately it all adds up to squat.  I’m not who I meant to be.  I don’t know who I am.

Oh, and before you ask, that therapist never called back.  I know it would be easy to look up the name of another counselor, but, anxiety makes me all itchy and twitchy about the unknown.  So, I have yet to receive professional help.  It’s becoming clearer and clearer that I need it.  I promise I’ll call someone tomorrow.  Probably.

I’m not posting this to get sympathy.  I just need to admit it.  And if there’s anyone else out there going through this, I want them to know they are not alone.

Depression’s a bitch.

So, a commenter on Monday suggested that to start becoming the person I want to be I should be focusing on what I already do right.  So, here goes:

  1. Nothing.  (just kidding)
  2. Write a blog to vent on a variety of topics I find interesting or important or those which are otherwise clogging my brain.
  3. Create meaningful and fun learning opportunities for my kids.
  4. Keep up with my peers through a variety of social media.
  5. Have thoughtful and loving conversations with my daughters about any subject that interests them, no matter how difficult.
  6. Apologize when I’m wrong and strive to do better.
  7. Make strides in becoming a better home maker.

Well, that’s a start.

I’ve been thinking lately that instead of thinking of my “weaknesses” as crutches, I should find a way to use them to my advantage.  Like in regards to my rambling, in-depth TV Tuesday post yesterday, I thought, hey, I should write for a TV or Entertainment magazine/journal/blog.  Lord knows I have a lot of experience watching television.  Or maybe I could turn my tendency to overanalyze and correct outward and work in research or editing or something.

This blog post has no coherence at all.  Sorry.  Brain-fried today.

If anyone’s reading this, thanks for letting me vent.  Getting it out helps.  Even just this little smackerel of my issues!




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