I have not watched any of this final season of MTVs Jersey Shore, save last week’s penultimate episode in which Snooki & Deena hold Meatball Auditions and Mike pretends he used to have enough rhythm and coordination to have been a stripper. I will most definitely watch this week’s finale and the crazy- ridiculous (TM Sherry Leggett) live reunion show, however. Because, I mean… “Aw yeah, live show, yeah…”
For those Peeps unfamiliar with the shenanigans of the Seaside Heights crew, consider yourself lucky, and quite a few braincells ahead of the game. (I was so so tempted to put “ahead of the situation” there, but I didn’t want anyone to think I meant THE Situation, so… yeah.) For those of you who know, love, and often use the phrases “The shirt before the shirt” or “CABS A’ HERE!” or “I’m a blast in a glass!”, here are my goodbyes to our beloved Guidos and Guidettes:
- Mike “The Situation”: God Bless you, son… You are just at the tail end of your 15 minutes of fame. I pray that you find a support group as you GTL your way out of “celebrity” and into “irrelevance”. Maybe Jonny Fairplay from Survivor could hook you up. Needless to say, Peeps, Mike is my least favorite. I need to go wash my hands now. I feel germy.
- Ronnie & Sami “Sweetheart”: I lump you two together as one because you really had no “storyline” without one another. Your courtship was the best of times, the worst of times. But mostly the worst. I am embarrassed to admit that I could see my own past relationship debacles reflected in yours. I saw in the last episode that you plan on moving in together and see yourselves married with kids in 10 years. *sigh* Good luck. Get therapy. And invest in padded walls in that condo you’re looking for.
- Deena: Aww, Meatball… You look great, BTW. Wow, Peeps, it’s obvs that I didn’t really like those first three, huh? Anyway, thanks for introducing me to the Jersey Turnpike. I used to joke that I’d do the Roger Rabbit at my kid’s weddings to embarrass them. Now the plan is Jersey Turnpikin’ it all the way. May you find your Gorilla Juice Head Prince Charming and live happily ever after and have many Mini-Meatballs.
- Jenni “JWow”: Hey girrrlll… I’m not sure you and I would ever have been friends, but, I appreciate your fierceness. You’re not afraid to stand up for yourself or tell it like it is, and sometimes you can be such a royal bitch, but mostly it’s out of love. I wish you didn’t feel the need for so much cosmetic surgery, though, because otherwise, Chica, I’d say that out of all the Jersey Shorians, you have the most role model potential for little girls. After all, you are a Bratz doll come to life. 😀
- Pauly D: I will miss you most of all, Scarecrow…. I hope you get to keep some of the money that is being made off t-shirt decals on the Jersey Shore. Your catch phrases were money. True story, bro.
- Vinnie: I have a secret crush on you, Vin… I can’t explain it. And no, it has nothing to do with what Snooki says about your… ya know… 😉 Staten Island in da house!
- Snooki: I don’t know what it is about you, but you’re just adorable. I want to put you in my pocket. Good luck with Jionni and Lorenzo and your business ventures. I’m still totes jelly that you got a book deal. I mean, what? Anyway, keep on keepin’ on, sistah.
Oh my goodness, you guys… this show was crap. Really. But it was OUR crap. And I will miss you. (for a little bit anyway… eventually I’ll get caught up with Downton Abbey).