A Fire in My Belly

Hubby likes to say this when he’s attempting to push my buttons (ew, not like THAT, Peeps, geesh!).  I mean when he’s trying to get me riled up.  We’ll be watching TV and he’ll call one of my favorite characters or contestants a terrible name and I’ll get my panties in a wad and he’ll say, “Just tryin to put a fire in your belly!”  And he’ll laugh at me and pretend to smack me and tickle me and it’s kind of adorable, believe it or not.  (You have to know Hubby to understand.)

This post, however, is not about hubby or his antics.  It is about a real (okay, figurative) Fire in my (figurative) Belly.

When I began my Mojo journey, I started at the brain.  I read some self help books, tried to turn to my faith, researched a connection between the brain and obesity or other illnesses.  I started taking supplements like fish oil and B complex and Gingko (still take the fish oil and the B vitamins, dropped the gingko).  I started deep breathing exercises and prayer/meditation.  I started using certain essential oils to inspire clarity or calm.  Some of these techniques worked, but most didn’t.  

Finally, I don’t recall what the spark was, but a fire was lit.  Actually, perhaps it was when I saw something in the mail from a local hospital about Bariatric Surgery.  I started thinking, this is it.  My only hope.

So, I started researching surgical options, bariatric centers, success stories.  I resolved that this was what I wanted to do.  To save my life.

I went to an information center at Johns Hopkins.  I met with a surgeon.  I decided that a gastric sleeve was probably the best option for me.  (Google it, Peeps.  I’m really no good at putting links in my blog.  It never works.)

One of the first steps in the process of bariatric surgery is to be on a 6 month physician supervised nutrition plan.  This is to show the surgeons and your physician that you are willing to make a permanent change and that you will be compliant with medical advice, post-surgery.  I was nervous about meeting with my doc, because he is famously “no bull shit” about weight loss and he is also a Medifast coach.  I KNEW he was going to tell me to iksnay on the urgerysay and just do Medifast.  I was willing to go over his head and see a Hopkins physician who would green light the operation.

But, to my surprise, my doc was cool with the idea.  He nodded and agreed and added his own knowledge when I babbled on about my research into gastric sleeve surgery and ghrelin and protein and blahblahblah.  He peered at me over his spectacles, one hand on my shoulder, the other on my knee, like a wise old father figure and he said, “I see that you really want this Scroogy.  I know you can do this.  Here’s what we’re going to do…”

Long story short, he and I worked together over a few weeks to create a nutrition plan that was, yes, based on Medifast, but with real food.  He commended my research and my commitment.  I felt empowered.

And powerful I was…  I had that fight.  The Fire in My Belly.  I lost 45 lbs from Sept 29 to Feb 2.  In 18 weeks, even through the holidays.  But then…  Ugh.  I dunno.  My fire went out.  I’ve discussed this on this blog before, and I still am not sure why it happened.  And I’ve been struggling to get it back ever since.  

I’ve even posted many, “I got this, Peeps!”  posts in the meantime, but honestly, I was doing the whole “fake it til you make it” approach.  I just didn’t have that fight back.  Not really.

But, this week, I feel it.  I really do.  No lie.  I swear.  😉

I’m going to Change My Fate.

I’m going to save my life.

I’m going to really live and enjoy myself and my body and what it can do, what I can accomplish.

I’m going to be an author.

I’m going to see the world.

I’m going to see my kids grow up and get married. 

I’m going to dance the Roger Rabbit at my grandkid’s wedding and amaze all the youngsters.

Sunday night’s show, the one I blogged about so extensively on Monday, really did give me inspiration.  Jacqui’s story could’ve been my own.  Her struggles and emotional barriers are so so similar.  Watching her, I was reminded of that fight I had inside me back in the fall and early winter.  It was like looking into a mirror and saying, “Oh, THERE you are….Where have you been?” 

I am capable.  I have the tools, I always have.  I deserve the chance to do and to be all those things I dream of. 

See, my fire is back.

(PS…  Since Monday, I’ve lost 3.2 lbs and counting)





Extreme Makeover: Scroogy Edition

Anyone watch Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition?  Its one of my favorite summer shows.  Last night’s episode was incredible and a real inspiration for me.  One that may just save my life.  I’ll recap for you Peeps that missed it:

This week’s makeover is Jacqui.  She’s a 30-year-old wife and sales department manager for a health & wellness company.  She is more than 200 lbs overweight and currently struggling with infertility.

During her introduction interviews, she takes a moment to look at herself in nothing but her skivvies for the first time in a zillion years.  She starts hyperventilating and says she might be sick.  She can’t believe that the camera people aren’t running away to vomit.  She is horrified at the state of her body and can’t imagine how her husband finds any of that attractive.  Hm.  Been there, girl friend!  Still there some days.

Then Jacqui reveals that she was a fairly normal weight until she was 14.  That’s when she was raped at a party and began to feel like she didn’t deserve any better.  Yikeys. Poor kid!  At this point in the show, I’m already feeling a kinship with Jacqui and I begin to wonder why I started gaining weight as a child.  Hm…  I was actually underweight until I was about 10.  Worth a ponder at some point, I think.  Stay Tuned, Peeps!

Next, Jacqui describes her marriage to Shawn as wonderful.  He’s the first man to ever make her feel special.  He interviews that he loves her, but is worried about her weight, worries he’ll lose her.  She goes on to say that she feels like a burden to him and sometimes considers divorce just to make his life easier.

They both discuss that she has PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) which is related to her obesity and renders her pretty much barren.  She again mentions leaving him so that he can go on to have kids with a healthier wife.

Gah!  If my size had made it difficult for me to get pregnant, I think I’d be so depressed.  I can understand how she feels because having kids was something I always dreamed of as well.

Another dream Jacqui reveals is that she’s always wanted to be a singer or musician, but people discouraged her because her size would hold her back.  Who are these people?  What?  Have they never seen an opera?  Haha.  Fat lady singing, yaddayaddayadda, you get me, right?  *sigh*  Good times.  Aaaaanyway…

So at this point in the show, Chris the Wonder Trainer surprises Jacqui at a cafe or bar or something where she is watching her friends’ band perform.  He walks in playing an acoustic guitar and singing to her and it’s friggin adorable.  He sings that he’s chosen her for an Extreme Makeover and it’s off key and pitchy, dawg, but it’s just the cutest thing ever. Hubby and I debate over whether Chris is gay or not, but it really doesn’t matter.  A guy + a guitar = adorable.

He asks her to promise to commit a year of her life to this journey of weight loss and healthy living.  She promises and cries.  I tear up a little too.  Jacqui really wants this, you can tell.  Nice.

24 hours later, Chris and Jacqui are at the California Health and Longevity Institute for a week of Boot Camp.

First step is to weigh in.  In the cargo bay.  On a freight scale.  Holy shit this is humiliating.  I think Chris does it this way to shock the client, to give the enormity of their obesity real gravity.  See what I did there?  I laugh to hide the pain, okay?

Jacqui weighs in at 355 lbs.  She says, “What kind of person doesn’t understand how to take care of their own body?”  Aw, Jacs…  I had a similar thought when I began my diet back in September.  How could I be so dumb?  Blah.

She goes on to say that fat people have to be nice or happy or kind in order to get others to look past their size and give them a chance.  Hm…  Maybe.  I’d like to add funny to that list.  Or snarky.  I’ve met a few fat snarksters in my day.

Second step is a nutrition lesson with Paulette.  I want Paulette to live with me and cook for me because everything she makes looks scrumdilliumptious.   This time she makes a shrimp and broccoli pasta- shrimp has more protein and less something bad than other meats and the broccoli adds bulk to the meal so you can get away with only 1 cup of pasta.  I gotta say that I’m already doing these kids of tricks (adding veggies to brown rice or whole grain pasta so that there’s more food to eat with fewer calories).  So, I feel pretty awesome.  😀

Chris explains that for the first 90 days,  Jacqui will be eating 1500 calories a day- 5 meals, low sugar, controlled sodium, etc.  She’ll also be working out 6 days a week for 2 to 4 hours a day.  He says that she’ll be at a  3500 calorie a DAY deficit and therefore could lose 1 lb each day.

Third step is the medical testing step.  They put her in that weird space capsule thing to get a reading on her body fat percentage.  They test her lung capacity and her blood pressure and all that.  They try to draw blood for the rest of the tests, but can’t hit a vein because of her fat.  Eventually they decide to tap a vein in her foot.  Wow.  Jacqui is humiliated.  They don’t pull any punches at the Cal H&L Inst, yo.  They also do some fertility tests and the doctor tells her that if she does the work this year, her fertility should return and that at that point next year, she’ll be more apt to conceive.  Jac cries that other doctors told her that gastric bypass was her only hope.  Aw, again, Jacs.  Tear.

Step four Chris takes her to the gym to customize a workout.  They hit the recumbent bike (I want one), do the pushing a weight across the floor on a dolly thing, do some sit and lift dealies with 12 lb hand weights.  That looks hella hard.  And apparently it is because Jacqui breaks down at this point and says she cannot go on.  Every client does this on this show, at this point.  And every time, Chris pulls them through it.

This time he asks her why she is doing this.  She says she’s doing it for her husband.  To have kids.  To take her power back from her rapist. To finally stand up for herself.  Wowsa.  Good television right there.  She continues her sit and lift dealies with new aplomb.

Next we see Chris and Jacqui going home for days 8 to 90 of phase 1.  Chris’ team has renovated her garden, her kitchen, and her living room.  Gone are the lazy stuff, the bad foods, the TV, and the couch.  Now she has fresh veggies, a healthy pantry, and a home gym.  Where do I sign up?  (I looked.  You have to need to lose at least 50% of your body weight to apply.  So, not me.)  Also, I’d miss my TV.  Can’t she watch while on the treadmill?  Geesh!!

Also, Chris moves in for the rest of phase 1.  Nice.

He writes his Phase 1 Goal for her is a 90 lb loss.  If she meets this goal in 3 months, he’ll pay for her & Shawn to finally take a honeymoon.  To Ireland.  Oh heck yes!!

We see a montage of Chris & Jacqui working out, video blogging, all that jazz.  Then it’s time for the Family Letters Meeting.  They do this every episode too.  Chris asks Jacqui’s family to write her a letter about how her weight worries them and what they wish for her.  Always a tear jerker segment and this time is no exception.  Her Dad cries.  *sigh*  Love.

Next we have another workout/video diary montage.  Jacqui says she’s working out 4 to 5 hours a day and she feels the 90 lb goal is just so overwhelming, she can’t believe she’ll be successful.  Chris tells us that she’s down 42 lbs in 42 days and that he wishes he could tell her that, to give her inspiration, but rules are rules.  I wonder how he weighs her without telling her anything.  Must have a good poker face.

Chris takes Jacqui to a community theater.  She says she loves to perform, but hasn’t even been to watch a performance in years because she doesn’t fit in the seats.  As a challenge, Chris has her sit in all 300 seats.  About midway through, she wants to give up.  “What happens if I can’t do anymore?” she asks.

“I don’t know.  What happens?” He counters.

“Then I am a failure.”

Chris interviews that he’s worried that her fear of failure might bring this whole journey down.  He knows that she will stumble, everyone does.  What will she do then?

This, my Peeps, is the point I am at in my own Mojo/Weightloss journey.  I stumbled, big time, post holidays and I just can’t get out of my own head, get back in the groove.  I keep trying though.  I won’t give up.

Chris asks Jacqui in the theater, “What happens if life isn’t fair?”

“I keep going!”  she replies.  Me too, Jacs, me too!

After the 300 seats, Chris tries to get Jacqui to sing on stage to an empty theater.  She refuses.  She explains that when you’re overweight, people are already staring, already judging.  Why put yourself out there on purpose to invite criticism.  She just can’t present ONE MORE FLAW.

Okay.  Yes.  She explained my feelings perfectly.  Wow.  Ugh.

They end the rest of phase 1 with another workout montage.  We see Jacqui working out with Shawn, with her mom, with her sister.  She’s got one hell of a support system.  Awesome.

Weigh in has finally arrived.  Her family is there to witness as Jacqui smashes her goal and shows a 92 lb loss.  She is down to 263!!!  Woop woop!  Ireland awaits, but not until the 6 month weigh in.  Chris says that he has set up a challenge for her at her 6 month point- a 100 km bike ride through the hills of Ireland.  Squee!  How awesome is that?  It’s totally awesome.

Her Phase 2, six month goal is a 50 lb loss.  Easy peasy, Jacqui says.  She gives Chris a goodbye gift.  It’s a bracelet that reads EMPOWER.  She tells him that she always had the tools to change her life, but he showed her she could use them.  Now she feels powerful and strong.  You go Jacs!

We see her continuing to work her ass off, literally, and she decides she’ll need to either quit or go part-time so that she can meet her goal.  Shawn says, “I got this.  Quit.”  Yeah, Shawn!!!

We see Shawn interviewing her for her video diary.  He keeps asking her how it feels to be smoking hot and how did she get so beautiful.  It’s just so sweet.  Love it.

We also see her riding a bike at a local park to train for Ireland.  She just has this fierce determination that is inspiring.  Now I really want a bike.  Dammit.

Now it’s the 6 month weigh in.  In Ireland.  The scenery is breathtaking.  Shawn is by her side.  He can’t keep his hands off of her.  Cute!

She crushes this goal too and loses another 53 lbs.  Down to 210 now.  A total loss of 145!!!!

That is a person.  A grown person.  Good going, Jacs!  I really feel like she’s a new friend.  I love her.

Chris sets her phase 3 goal of 32 lbs loss.  It would put her at 50% her original body weight and she’ll more than qualify for the skin removal surgery.

She says, confidently, that it’s no problem.

She and Shawn enjoy their honeymoon.  He even carries her over the threshold.  They look so happy.  I’m happy for them.  I long for the day Hubby and I can do these things.

At some point, Chris shows Jacqui and Shawn some clips of her journey.  Shawn cries.  Jacqui says that she felt like she was drowning, but now she knows she can do things.  I again, totally relate.  At this point, I feel sometimes out of control and lost.  I need to focus, to resolve.  If Jacqui can, maybe I can too.

Shawn offers to join Jacqui on her ride.  She jokes that he couldn’t keep up back home!  He counters that he just didn’t have the proper bike shorts.  haha.  She worries that she’ll fail.  Nonsense, he says.  Literally, he said, “Nonsense.”  I thought that was just hysterical.

It’s the day of the ride and Chris interviews that this challenge with bust the lid off of Jacqui’s potential.  They are riding through the Gap of Dunlow and it looks like torture to even walk it.

As they begin the steep climb into the Gap, Jacqui falters.  She interviews that at that point she had two options: 1. Get pissed and ruin the rest of her ride; 2. Get back on and try harder.  I am beyond impressed that she didn’t have a third option of quitting and going for a pint and some pub chips.  That’s probably what I’d do.  What?  No!  Stop that.

Anyway, she finishes the 100K, and enjoys the rest of her honeymoon.  Too much for her liking, though, because she gains 7 lbs.

We see her going through phase 3 and being very frustrated, still working her butt off and eating well, but still second guessing her progress.

She interviews (probably the most significant statement for me) that once her weight is no longer an excuse for her not to achieve her dreams, what then?  Then she’ll be the reason for her failure and she’s terrified.

Me too, Peeps, me too.  Could THIS be really what holds me back every time I see my goal in sight?  Am I using my obesity as a crutch?  I think I might be.  Damn.

Before the 9 month weigh in, back at the California Health & Longevity Institute, Chris forces Jacqui to sing an impromptu song in front of a random conference room.

Chris says, “Life starts at the end of your comfort zone.”  Damn.  That should be on bumper stickers or tee shirts.

She sings and gets a standing ovation.  She’s still pissed at Chris.  Haha.  Little bastard.

Next she sees the fertility doctor who tells her that her chances have gone from a 94% reduced fertility to a rate identical to someone without PCOS.  Yeah!!!  Baby making time!!!

But, first, she gets on the scale.  A real one this time, not a freight scale.  And she has lost 35 lbs.  She’s down to 175, a total loss of 180.  She’s lost more than she currently weighs.  She definitely qualifies for the skin removal surgery.

Before she’s wheeled in to surgery, she interviews that she used to feel bad about being proud of herself.  But now she feels she is worthwhile.  I hope to feel that way too some day.

The doctor interviews that they will remove 6 square feet or 2 and a half vertical feel of extra skin.  Holy Jeebus.  That’s a lot.

We don’t see Jacqui again until the 12 month weigh in.  The BIG Reveal.

Chris tells a packed house at some theater type place that Jacqui was his perfect client.  And she was, Peeps.  I’ve never seen an episode of this show where the client didn’t stumble and fail to make a goal.  She was a monster.

Jacqui comes on stage and she’s just flipping stunning.  She looks like a different person.  She radiates happiness and confidence.  She locks eyes with Shawn in the crowd and mouths, “I Love You.”  He looks like he could just burst with pride.

She tells everyone that her personal goal weight was 155.  Chris says that he felt that goal was a bit lofty.  Jacqui gets on the scale and…

148 lbs!  A total loss of 207 lbs.  She is my hero.

My new inspiration.  I won’t be deleting this one from the DVR….






New Scroogy List

Here is a list of things I want to do when I reach my goal weight.  Could also be considered a bucket list, I guess…

1. Get a tattoo.  I want something to remind me and to acknowledge my weight loss journey.  Lately I’m thinking of a cherry blossom tattoo where we can somehow work the numbers of pounds lost into the blooms.  Hmm.

2. Go on a roller coaster summer tour.  The last time I was on a roller coaster was at Hershey Park before my brother went away to boot camp or maybe before his first deployment.  Anyway, I remember being worried I wouldn’t fit in the seat.  Of course, I did fit, but it was not a good feeling.

3. Get portraits taken, including family portraits.  The last time I had professional pictures taken was the wedding.  5 years ago.  Meh.  I’d like something to celebrate my new self and to mark the beginning of new adventures for my family.  I don’t want those stiff studio photos though.  I want romantic and poignant and alive pictures.

4. Do walking or hiking tours of various cities throughout the US and Europe.  I’d love to see old historical towns like Salem, Massachusetts or places with picturesque views like the Nestucca Spit Trail in Oregon.  I’d like to see the settings of storybooks like Paris and London and maybe even Transylvania…  Mwuahahaha…

5. Renew our wedding vows in Las Vegas.  This is so so vain, but I want there to be memories and pictures of me, slender, in a wedding gown.  Plus, being at my healthiest will give me a new lease on life and I’d like to reaffirm my devotion to my marriage as the New Scroogy.  Hubby adores Vegas, and it would be just so much fun.  Just us two.

6. Take a Flying Trapeze lesson.  Taking the freedom and exhilaration of a child’s swing set to extreme adult levels. I can almost feel the wind whipping my hair already.

7. Take Belly Dancing or Tap Dancing…  I know I can take them now, but I’d love to buy those cute dancing outfits in my new size.  Haha.

8. Go on The Price is Right.  Also something I CAN do now, but I want to be at my goal weight and bond with Drew over our conquests in the Battle of the Bulge.  We’ll become life long friends.

9. Invest in a good touring bicycle.  I have these images of Healthy Scroogy pedaling all over the Greater Baltimore Area.  Maybe with wildflowers in my little basket.  I’m incredibly silly.

10. Climb the ruins of Machu Picchu.  I guess this could’ve been included in #4, but I feel this strong draw there, so I felt it deserved its own mention.  I love just looking at pictures and reading stories from those who have visited.  I long to set foot on those old stones myself.

Well, there ya go, Peeps.  I reserve the right to add or edit this list at any time.  Life is fluid, afterall.

Thanks for letting me share, as always!

Rita’s now has Red Velvet cream ice! Kill me now. No, don’t.

I will resist.  I will overcome.  Cause if I can’t, I will get a large Red Velvet cream ice everyday until I die from obesity related illnesses.  No lie.

Speaking of obesity, turns out that I am 3 pounds less obese this week than I was last week.  Good news! Take that, mean Baskin Robbins man! Ooooh, buuurrrnnnn….

So that makes it only about 88 pounds to my goal weight, for those of you keeping track.

It’s also time for my weekly Mojo update.  Here’s some progress for the past week:

I started making exercise more of a priority.  I had been walking and doing a couple of workout games on the Wii,  but this week I added some strength training because I noticed my flab is getting flappier the more weight I lose.  Seriously, I’d rather have fat arms than flappy chicken wings.  Ew.  So, I added push ups, jumping jacks, lunges, triceps dips, arm circles, crunches, and those leg-lifty-lower-ab thingies.  I feel the difference in my posture already.  Mojo!

I wore one of the new bras bought last week.  Holey Moses, people, the difference the right bra makes!  Oprah was right!  God Bless Oprah!

This week was also the debut of my blog fiction, and it’s been really fun and exciting.  I hope you’re all going to stay tuned!  I’d love to hear your feedback!

Until next time, Peeps!

F**ck Baskin Robbins

So, lunch yesterday was my cheat meal.  I know, I know, where’s the logic in that, but, even the Ever Wise Bob Harper recommends a cheat meal once a week.

I was out for my yearly Easter Bunny appointment.  (This is what I tell Lala and Loopsy when I go Easter shopping- that I have to meet with the Easter Bunny to finalize the list of what he’s bringing and to give him our house key.  I have a similar meeting with Santa in December). I decided to finally check out Q’doba for lunch, but I wanted something sweet too.  On my way to the mall is a drive-thru Baskin Robbins/Dunkin Donuts combo deal.  So, logically, I stopped there first.  Duh.

I ordered a mint-chocolate chip milkshake.  When I pulled up to the window to pay, the man said something completely assinine and rude.  He said, “Milkshake, huh?  You like fat?  You like fat body?  Milkshake.  Fat.”  Now, he is not a born American, he seems to be from the Middle East or India.  I say this not in a racist way, but to accurately describe the accent and tone with which he says this to me.

I’m just flabbergasted.  I think I said something like, “No, I don’t like a fat body!” And I was tempted to explain to this utterly demeaning stranger about my weight loss so far and that this is just part of my cheat meal and yaddayaddayadda.  Instead I just got more and more irritated and shoved the money in his hands and refused to make any further eye contact or conversation.  Another man handed me my shake and told me to come again soon, and noted that there is a $1 off coupon on my receipt.

Not bloody likely, Peeps!

Now, really, WTF???  What business is it of his or anyone’s?  I’m still pretty fired up, as you can tell.

I will say, that he made me feel all guilty and dumb as well.  I ordered a grilled chicken burrito on a whole wheat tortilla with no sour cream to assuage said guilt and dumbness.

(Side note: Q’doba was pretty good.  But I still miss Burritoes En Fuego.  Anyone who has ever been there in Fells Point knows what I mean.  *Tear*)

Anyway, I’m back on The Plan, and needless to say, my next cheat meal will NOT include a trip to that drive thru.  Fo’ Shizzle.

Day 1 (or Day 183)- but who’s counting?

Today, Peeps, was a toughie…  After deciding yesterday that I was refocusing my efforts on The Plan, I faced some nutritional challenges today.  But as of this post, I have overcome!

First, my kids woke up super duper cranky pants this morning.  Loopsy stood at the top of the stairs screaming for me to carry her for 5 minutes (at least) while tossing any readily available toys down to crash on the wall at the bottom of the stairs.  Meanwhile Lala was following me around the kitchen pleading at the top of her whine for milk in her new princess cup (which was in the dishwasher, unwashed).  I took a deep breath, told Loopsy for the millionth time that she is 4 and perfectly capable of walking downstairs herself, end of story, and told Lala for the zillionth time that she’d have to make do with a Minnie Mouse cup this morning.  *sigh*  The old, fatter Scroogy would turn to Reese’s Puffs or toaster waffles with peanut butter and maple syrup for breakfast to soothe the savage mommy beast.  But new, healthier Scroogy dutifully pulled out a greek yogurt, and mixed it wisely with some Benefiber.  Protein?  Check!  Fiber?  Check?  Breakfast? Done.

3 hours later I have finished showering and dressing and putting on mascara in preparation for a trip to BJ’s and Bed, Bath, & Beyond.  I look at the clock and know that it’s time for my next snack.  The twins are already, literally, bouncing around me because they love riding in shopping carts, and are therefore, very excited. I consider, for a second, just hitting a drive thru on our way out.  Easy, yummy, but, alas, not on The Plan.  So I distract my dear ones with a new episode of Doc McStuffins and toast up a whole wheat english muffin and top it with exactly one tablespoon of natural peanut butter.  There’s even time before the episode is over for me to note my snack in my food journal and put my knife and tablespoon in the dishwasher.

I decided to also stop at the craft store because I need a taper candle & some of that candle sticky stuff for my homemade wine bottle candle thingie (to commemorate my first bottle of Dreaming Tree- yes, I love DMB that much).  We walk the short distance to BBB & my little lovelies are already complaining about being hungry.  *Double Sigh* I check the time and try to figure if I can distract them long enough for us to get home and have a snack there.  No go.  Damn, I’ll have to buy them something while we are out WITHOUT indulging myself.  In BBB they have some snacky type stuff by the register and I let the twins pick out something.  They agree (shocking) on a bag of white fudge covered pretzels.  Not exactly healthy, but probably better than McD’s.  I open it for them when we get back to the car and I don’t have any myself.  Not a one.  Score.

Needless to say, Loopsy and Lala are off the chain hyper by the time they get into the shopping cart at BJs…  Strangers are laughing.  Old ladies are looking down their noses at me.  I am irritated and getting hungry.  I see bags of Easter candy.  Resist!  Those Magnum ice cream bars look really good.  Hands off!  Super sized bags of Doritoes?  Me wanna.  But, I’m so proud to say that I did not buy or consume any Off Plan items there, in the car on the ride home, or even once I got home.  Just had the regularly scheduled protein bar.  Yeah me!!

And now we here we are, an hour past dinner (chicken breast marinated in Frank’s Red Hot in a salad of green peppers, cucumbers, broccoli, and light Ranch) and about a half our until beddy bye time.

Ahh… I made it Peeps, I made it.

Back to The Plan

I mentioned in my Hello World post that I’m in the process of losing weight.  I had lost 45.5 lbs since September 29 2011*. I had been contemplating gastric bypass or another bariatric surgery, and so I began the diet with the idea that it was my required 6 month, physician supervised nutrition plan  My doc wanted me on Medifast, but we found that very costly, so the Doc okayed me doing my own version.  And I was doing really well.  I was on fire!

Then the holidays came and went, the days were less bright, I dove into my yearly mid to late winter doldrums and diverted from The Plan. I don’t know why this happens to me every year.  I suspect it’s related to seasonal depression.  It might also be because the holidays are over, and after I put all my heart and soul into making it magic for my family, I’m left feeling a little empty and a lot unappreciated. But there’s a bigger reason.  There’s the fact that, as a daughter who lost her dad so young, I have this supreme anxiety each time I get closer and closer to the age he was when he passed.  He was only 37, the age I am now, and these past few winters have been really rough.

Anyway, regardless of the reason, I’m feeling my way out of the winter blues a bit fiercer and sooner.  Could be because of the early return of sunshine and warmth.  Could be because if this 38th year really is my last like it was Dad’s last, well, I better not waste it being all blah-de-blah-woe-is-me.  Could be I also decided to reinvigorate so much of my life to regain that Mojo I keep writing about.

I went to visit my Doc for the first time since December (I’d last weighed in at his office on Feb 2).  He explained that everyone hits a plateau, and this time of year is really optimal for getting past it.  He wasn’t at all as appalled as I thought he’d be by my falling of the weekly weigh-in schedule or by my gain of 7.5 lbs since my last step on the scale.  I feel a lot better about things, and ready to refocus and get back to The Plan.

I want to lose between 80 & 100 more lbs.  Yes, Peeps, I realize that’s a lot.  Yes, I really am THAT big.

Today I’m back to following my diet to the letter and remembering that I need to take care of myself if I want to see Lala and Loopsy grow up.

I’ll continue to post my progress on this aspect of my Mojo Journey!  Wish me luck!

*note: Thanks to my friend Robin for pointing out my error…  it’s been 6 months on My Plan, not over 10 years…  Love ya!*