If Scroogy wrote for Soaps

This month marks the epic 50th anniversary of General Hospital, a show near and dear to my heart.  As I watch the events of the 2013 Nurse’s Ball unfold, I can’t help but want to write my own versions of these story arcs.  (Note: I have not watched today’s episode yet, so…)


  1. After Duke’s and Anna’s sexually charged tango performance, we find that someone has again been impersonating one half of one of GH’s legendary supercouples.  Except this time?  It’s Filomena impersonating Anna!  She’s been alive and obsessed with Duke all these years and has come back to PC to claim him.
  2. Richard Simmons reveals the reason for his angry outburst…  He is Sam Morgan’s father!  He blames Lucy and her vampire delusions for the danger Sam & Danny had been in at the hands of Stephen Clay and vows his revenge on everyone who has hurt his daughter and grandson!  It is Richard Simmons who will finally take out Heather Webber after he is taken to the same psychiatric facility for the criminally insane.
  3. Frisco, heartbroken over Felicia’s rejection, turns to his old pal Rick Springfield for solace…  and finds true love!  He serenades him with a rewritten version of Lady of my Heart entitled Laddy of my Heart.  Springfield follows up with a new version of Jessie’s Girl called Maxie’s Dad.
  4. Shawn Butler, jealous that he was left out of the Magic Milo number, storms the stage and goes Full Monty.  The entire place buys a round of congratulatory drinks for Alexis.  She is named the new Mayor of Port Charles and her first order of business is to declare that Shawn must be shirtless 80% of the day.
  5. Sabrina and Patrick, having finally professed their love, are shocked when Britt reveals that her parents, Faison and Evil Dr Obrecht secretly created both Sabrina and Patrick in a genetic superlab, and their offspring will be born with the blood that is the only cure for HIV/AIDS.  They will then reveal that Robin is alive, but she is succumbing to the virus and the only way to save her is for Patrick and Sabrina to procreate.

I’ll be waiting for ABC’s call…




Last night I watched Sunday’s ep of TWD (The Walking Dead- not to be confused with TVD or The Vampire Diaries…  Keep it straight, will ya Peeps?  Geesh).

The episode, titled Clear, was so emotionally moving and interesting that I almost didn’t miss sweaty dirty Daryl Dixon.  (Mmm…  Daryl…)  One sec:


Whew…  okay.  I’m good now…

This day in the zombie apocalypse found Rick on a supply run with his bad-ass little boy Carl, and the even more bad-ass Michonne.  The title of the episode came into play almost right away when they passed a hitch hiker on the road and didn’t even slow down.  Their compassion for strangers clearly gone.  See what I did there?  Ha.  They didn’t even blink as he yelled for help, begging, pleading.  No reaction.  What a difference a year makes.

They pass a typical zombie car pile-up, and, in trying to avoid the wrecks, Rick gets the car stuck in the mud.  (or was Michonne driving?  Gah…  I need to start writing stuff down.)  Anyway, they have to kill a handful of walkers and then get out and use a really ugly dress and some rocks to get the tire clear of the mud.  See….  again…  I’m tellin’ ya.  There’s a nice father/son moment where Rick shows Carl how to get out of the mud, and it’s almost normal.  So many dead zombies around, but there is still father/son time.

Eventually they make it to town.  Now, I have no idea how I missed this, if it was discussed beforehand, but the town they go to is the one that Rick, Lori, Shane, and Carl all came from.  This seemed really deep and heavy to me.  I would not want to go back.  It would break my heart too much.  Ugh.  Imagine…  Oh there’s where we went for ice cream after Carl lost his first tooth.  There’s where Lori and I had our first date.  There’s where Shane and I used to pick up chicks…  All burned down, crumbling, or run over by zombies.  I’d rather keep my memories intact.

They head to the police station for weapons and ammo to find the place has been cleared out.  I’m not even trying anymore, it just keeps happening, I swear.

So they start walking to get more supplies and find a block of the town all jacked up like some crazy mouse trap.  Spikes and pulleys and cages of rats and pigeons…  They snake their way through, and nearly get killed by a masked gunman on a rooftop.  After some sneaky quick Michonne maneuvers, Carl ends up shooting the masked man in his wooden bullet proof vest and knocking him out somehow.  This part wasn’t clear.  I totally did that one on purpose you guys.  Rick takes the mask off and its…  drumroll please…  MORGAN!!!!  Gah!!!  We’ve been wondering what happened to him since the first season.  Yeah!!!  Morgan was the first person Rick found when he woke up from his coma to find the world was ending.  Morgan saved his life.  Rick has so few good memories these days.  Morgan represents the first hope he ever had during the series.

Michonne & Rick argue for a minute, but he convinces her to help carry Morgan up to his apartment.  Not sure exactly how they found his place, but I’m thinking it had to do with all the color coded arrows and warning messages leading to his lair.  Before crossing the threshold, they cleverly avoid the dagger pit under the Welcome mat.  Smarty pants.

Once there, they lay him on a cot and start looting his place for weaponry.  Michonne takes a chip break.  “The mat said ‘Welcome'” she snarks between crunches.  Love it.  She’s a woman of few words, and that was an amazingly funny line.

Eventually, Carl whines enough about being sufficiently kick ass to go on a run on his own.  Michonne goes with him.  Mostly because I think Morgan’s crazy wall writing is causing her more than a little concern.

All over the walls, he’s written words and phrases about doorknobs and knives and guns and so-and-so turned or this-guy cleared.  This is where I start to think, hm…  What could Morgan mean by Clear?  Does this mean he saved the person from the walkers, like he’d saved Rick all those many moons ago?  Or something not so heartwarming…?  I’m thinking the latter.

Michonne and Carl leave and of course he tricks her and runs off, or tries to.  I was glad to be able to finally utter last season’s catch phrase, “Wait… Where’s Carl?”  *Drink*

Michonne is, like, ninja fast, so she catches up with him and is all, “What the eff, little dude…”

He sort of gets all Rick on her and basically tells her she’s not one of them, and that he doesn’t need to listen to her or need her bad ass sword wielding help- neener neener.  She doesn’t take his shit and just shrugs and keeps following him.  “You can’t stop me from helping you.”  Neener neener.

It was actually a pretty great scene.  The interaction between them in the entire episode is fantastic.

Back at Morgan’s lair, Rick is reading the psycho wall and realizes that Morgan’s son Duane was turned.  He’s wracked with guilt when he finds Morgan’s walkie talkie.  Ya know… the one he gave him and told him to turn on every day at dawn so he could help keep Morgan and Duane safe…  yeah, that one.  I don’t remember Rick using his walkie talkie since they left the CDC.  Do you?  Nice going there, Sheriff.  Dammit.  I blame Shane.  Why?  I dunno.  Just because.

Anyway…  I’m getting bored recapping this so thoroughly.  How do those folks at TWoP do it?  Pffttt…

Three more big poignant moments:

1. Morgan goes all apeshizzle on Rick when he wakes up.  He stabs Rick in the collarbone shouting something about how he will “clear him”.  This is when I am certain that Morgan means that dying without coming back as a zombie is “clearing”.  He intends to not only kill all the walkers, but kill all the people he sees in a way that they cannot turn.  They will die clear.  He also snaps back into reality enough to realize who Rick is and to share what he’s been up to since they parted.  His son was killed by his Zombie Mom.  He’s hella bitter that Rick never had to see Lori or Carl as walkers.  That he has been cleared of that burden.  See, so many meanings you guys…  Rick tries to talk Morgan into coming back to the prison.  Morgan looks at all the weapons they are looting and is like, Um, no… I’ll pass.  Thanks…  Besides, it’s his destiny to clear.  Right?  See?  He intends to keep killing people and destroying zombies until he can’t anymore.  Clear the world.  Scary and sad and poignant and telling.  All wrapped in one.  This part of it really got to me, as a person who suffers from depression.  Wait, hold on… I don’t want to murder anyone.  But, sometimes you feel so lonely, so lost, that all you know how to do is clear the day.  Whatever it takes to just get back to sleep.  I can really relate to Morgan’s isolation, his fear, his pain.  I think Rick does too, and realizes that he’s not quite that far gone.  That he has more to live for.  That was really powerful to me too.  So many layers, TWD, so many layers…  😉

2. Carl’s whole mission is to enter some walker-ridden cafe to steal a snapshot on the wall of Rick, Lori, and Little Carl from happier days.  He says it’s for Judith, so she knows what her mom looked like, but I suspect it’s also for himself, and for his crazy ass Dad.  Michonne is actually wonderful and not only doesn’t tell him he’s taking a foolish risk, but she helps him retrieve it.  Once by setting rat zombie traps to distract the walkers on the way in and hacking their way out with her swordiness.  Then next by using those sneaky quick Michonne moves to slip back in to get the pic and a cat sculpture while Carl kept the zombies attention at the cafe door.  It was pretty sweet.  Not just like sa-weet, but like, awww…. how sweet.  I think Carl and Michonne are gonna be BFFs.

3.  On the way outta crazy Morgan-ville, Carl stops and apologizes to Morgan for shooting him.  Morgan tells him to NEVER be sorry.  (Um… Carl… back away from the crazy man, mmkay?  Good boy.)  No, really, I get what Morgan was saying.  It’s kill or be killed out here.  And Carl has made it farther than many many adults.  He should never be sorry for having mad zombie apocalypse skills.  But my favorite part of this episode came next.  Michonne is helping Rick load the last of the supplies into the trunk, and she confronts him for his Crazy-Lori’s-Ghost-Chasing-ness.  She says it’s ok, she used to talk to her dead boyfriend.  It’s the new normal.  He smiles and asks if she wants to drive.  “I mean, I see things…”  They chuckle.  Aww… Rick’s making friends!  Yeah!!  Everyone has mental problems!!  You are not alone!!!  See…

At the end, they pass what remains of that hitch hiker at the beginning.  They back up, stop the car, and someone hops out to get his back pack.  That shit is free and clear…  See?

Ahh…  I can stop now. 😉

Cult freaks me out

Yes, peeps, I used proper grammar.  I mean, cults DO freak me out too, but I was referring to the new CW show Cult.

I watched the pilot episode last night, and immediately realized it was going to be one of those shows that are a bit, um…  meta?  Maybe that’s the wrong term.  It’s like one of those stories that feed into my innate paranoia about evil and danger and blur the line between fiction and reality just enough to keep me awake at night.

Ever since I first saw Nightmare on Elm Street as a tween I have feared that the concept of a show or movie could be real.  It could, shut up.  I truly was terrified for ages that my nightmares might just kill me.  Then The Ring made me a little skeeved about watching videos, but…  soon DVDs took over, so…  Yeah.

Now THIS show.  Ugh.  Man.

The concept is that there is a show within the show called Cult (Oh no, I’ve gone cross-eyed!) about a former cult member who joins law enforcement to take down her former cult leader.  This show has legions of followers who obsess over the plot, the characters, the hidden clues, and whatnot on chat rooms, websites, in fan bars (the one on the show is called fan-dom-main or something like that), and through cosplay.  So as a (not-so) closeted Fan Girl myself, I was like, um…  Wait…  I wanna go to fan-dom-main…  I’ll wear a fez.  Or a bowtie.  No!  A space suit.  Yeah… definitely a space suit.

The lead is Alaric, or actually his name is Jeff or whatever in this show, but he’ll always be TVD’s Alaric to me. Alaric is a reporter or a blogger or something.  Alaric’s little brother was a Fan Boy of this show Cult and he left Alaric some cryptic clues before mysteriously disappearing.  So now Alaric is hooking up with one of the pages or production assistants that actually works on the show to investigate the lunatics, I mean, legions of fans. 

In “real life” and on the “show”  people keep uttering the same phrase before either dying or killing themselves:

“Well, hey, these things just snap right off.” 

BTW, there is already a tumblr for this.  So…

This starts the merry go round of over active imagining in my cranium.  Wait, do they mean that there really are crazy people that act out violent and creepy plot lines in shows?  This makes me see other shows like SOA and The Following and American Horror Story in a whole new light.

I need to get on medication, I think.

Right after I get that T.A.R.D.I.S. tattoo.  (Just kidding, Mom.)

Sometimes casting is all that counts…

So… I was scrolling through the preview guide yesterday and saw on FearNet that some sort of Lost Boys sequel was coming up, complete with Corey Feldman.  So, of course, I DVR’d that sucker. (Pun SOOOO intended.)

The movie was horrible.  Really.  But…  I was introduced to this smolderingly handsome young actor:

Angus Sutherland as Shane

Angus Sutherland as Shane

He’s the youngest half-brother of Kiefer, who we all know was the super cool vampire from the original Lost Boys.  Sigh…  those were the days.

But truely, the movie did bite (I could do this all day), but he was perfectly cast, and really easy on the eyes, so I watched the whole thing.

Casting counts, Peeps.

He’d be fang-tastic (ok, I’ll stop now) as Lestat in an Anne Rice Vampire Chronicles movie.  Or perhaps as Jason the werewolf in a Laurell K Hamilton Anita Blake movie…

All I know is I’d watch anything he’s in.

Move over Charlie Hunnam.  (But not too far over, mmkay?)

Charlie Hunnam.  Mmmm...

Charlie Hunnam. Mmmm…

TV makes me cry. Damn hormones!

So, the ol’ Scroogy hormones are crazy out of whack lately.  I blame them for that killer headache I posted about the other day.  And the cramps and sore boobs.  And the undying lust for anything chocolate followed by something crispy and salty.

And they are to blame, Peeps, for the fact that I find myself crying over TV shows.  Gah. Some examples:

  • Lilly on HIMYM said that she sometimes wishes she wasn’t a Mom and sometimes wants to pack her bags and run away.  Scroogy cried.
  • Carly on General Hospital said that she can’t stand the sight of herself.  Scroogy cried.
  • The squints on Bones discovered the remains of a mixed race (Neanderthal & Homosapien) household.  The parents were attacked and killed because their lifestyle was not accepted.  Their last actions were to hold each other as they died.  The child was asleep during the attack & woke up to find her parents dead.  She starved to death, but her last act was to cuddle up with her parents’ remains.  Oh, lordy, did Scroogy cry.

I cannot wait for this shit to pass, you guys.  It’s ridiculous.

I’ve been TV programmed.

Cougar Town is back tonight (what-what!).  I really love this show and thinking about it last night made me realize how much a show can become part of your vernacular.  I decided to compile a list of catch-phrases and such I’ve added to my life because of my favorite shows.  Because it’s my blog, and I can, that’s why.  In no particular order….

  1. The above mentioned “What-what!”  (Cougar Town, said by Laurie a.k.a. Jellybean on multiple occasions).:  http://youtu.be/y-LM2F1E-9c
  2. “I make lists now.  Lists are cool.”  (Doctor Who, said by the 11th Doctor , although in reference to wearing bow ties and fezes).  Take any new thing you do, and add it to this formula: I (verb) (nouns) now.  (Nouns) are cool.  Done.  Enjoy.
  3. “You’re so pretty.” (Friends, said by Rachel to Joey after he said something particularly Joey-like).
  4. “A-mah-zing.” (Happy Endings, said by Penny in regards to, well, anything amazing).
  5. “Yeah, that’s the ticket…” (SNL said by Jon Lovitz- a classic).
  6. “Kiss mah grits!” (Alice, said by Flo.  Even more classic.  That show was a-mah-zing).
  7. “That’s what she said.” (The Office, said by Michael Scott.  I’m sure he stole it from somewhere else.  See #9).
  8. “She’s your lobster!” (Friends (again), said by Phoebe to Ross about Rachel.  Aww… tear…)
  9. “Not!” or “As if!” or “No way!  Way!” or…  list goes on and on (SNL said by Mike Meyers & Dana Carvey in Wayne’s World skits- voices of my generation, sadly).
  10. “Legen- wait for it- dary!” (How I Met Your Mother, said by Barney Stinson).  I’ll admit I only use this with my husband b/c he really doesn’t like that show.  I kid because I love.

Goodbye Jersey Shore

I have not watched any of this final season of MTVs Jersey Shore, save last week’s penultimate episode in which Snooki & Deena hold Meatball Auditions and Mike pretends he used to have enough rhythm and coordination to have been a stripper.  I will most definitely watch this week’s finale and the crazy- ridiculous (TM Sherry Leggett) live reunion show, however.  Because, I mean…  “Aw yeah, live show, yeah…”

For those Peeps unfamiliar with the shenanigans of the Seaside Heights crew, consider yourself lucky, and quite a few braincells ahead of the game.  (I was so so tempted to put “ahead of the situation” there, but I didn’t want anyone to think I meant THE Situation, so…  yeah.)  For those of you who know, love, and often use the phrases “The shirt before the shirt” or “CABS A’ HERE!” or “I’m a blast in a glass!”, here are my goodbyes to our beloved Guidos and Guidettes:

  • Mike “The Situation”:  God Bless you, son…  You are just at the tail end of your 15 minutes of fame.  I pray that you find a support group as you GTL your way out of “celebrity” and into “irrelevance”.  Maybe Jonny Fairplay from Survivor could hook you up.  Needless to say, Peeps, Mike is my least favorite.  I need to go wash my hands now.  I feel germy.
  • Ronnie & Sami “Sweetheart”:  I lump you two together as one because you really had no “storyline” without one another.  Your courtship was the best of times, the worst of times.  But mostly the worst.  I am embarrassed to admit that I could see my own past relationship debacles reflected in yours.  I saw in the last episode that you plan on moving in together and see yourselves married with kids in 10 years.  *sigh*  Good luck.  Get therapy.  And invest in padded walls in that condo you’re looking for.
  • Deena: Aww, Meatball…  You look great, BTW.  Wow, Peeps, it’s obvs that I didn’t really like those first three, huh?  Anyway, thanks for introducing me to the Jersey Turnpike.  I used to joke that I’d do the Roger Rabbit at my kid’s weddings to embarrass them.  Now the plan is Jersey Turnpikin’ it all the way.  May you find your Gorilla Juice Head Prince Charming and live happily ever after and have many Mini-Meatballs.
  • Jenni “JWow”:  Hey girrrlll…  I’m not sure you and I would ever have been friends, but, I appreciate your fierceness.  You’re not afraid to stand up for yourself or tell it like it is, and sometimes you can be such a royal bitch, but mostly it’s out of love.  I wish you didn’t feel the need for so much cosmetic surgery, though, because otherwise, Chica, I’d say that out of all the Jersey Shorians, you have the most role model potential for little girls.  After all, you are a Bratz doll come to life.  😀
  • Pauly D:  I will miss you most of all, Scarecrow….  I hope you get to keep some of the money that is being made off t-shirt decals on the Jersey Shore.  Your catch phrases were money.  True story, bro.
  • Vinnie:  I have a secret crush on you, Vin…  I can’t explain it.  And no, it has nothing to do with what Snooki says about your… ya know… 😉  Staten Island in da house!
  • Snooki:  I don’t know what it is about you, but you’re just adorable.  I want to put you in my pocket.  Good luck with Jionni and Lorenzo and your business ventures.  I’m still totes jelly that you got a book deal.  I mean, what?  Anyway, keep on keepin’ on, sistah.

Oh my goodness, you guys… this show was crap.  Really.  But it was OUR crap.  And I will miss you.  (for a little bit anyway…  eventually I’ll get caught up with Downton Abbey).


Kids TV is rotting MY brain

I limit my kids’ TV viewing to movies or shows either on Netflix, on PBS, or on Disney Jr or Nick Jr (no commercials).  But still, these shows are driving me bonkers.

Here are some less than appropriate thoughts I’ve had or statements I’ve made or songs I’ve sung about kids programs:

1.  “Handy Manny IS a tool…”  sung to the Handy Manny School for Tools theme song.  To which Loopsy replied “No him not, Mama.  He’s a people.”

2.  Along the same vein, “Mickey is a Mouseketool, am I right?”  (Said to my “nephew” Matty Moo moo when he was about 5 and we were on the way to OBX for our first combined family trip.  He didn’t get it.  Not sure he even heard me.)  Happy 9th birthday Matthew!!

3.  Ruby from Max & Ruby gets on my last damn nerve.  I mean, where are her parents?  They probably left because she’s such a bitch.  (Going to Hell for that one, Peeps.)  Why does she have such control issues?  Max is USUALLY right…  You’d think by now she’d give the poor kid more credit.  Poor Max.

4.  Caillou.  I mean, need I say more?  I’ve made up lyrics to his theme song too.  “I’m just a whiny-butt, I never have some fun, I keep on whining I’m Caaaaiiillloou…”  I’ve asked my kids again and again why he has no hair, but his baby sister Rosie does.  They say it’s because he’s a boy.  Whatever.  His parents are clearly on some good pharmaceuticals.  They are way too relaxed and easy-going and patient with his antics and whining.  He’s a big whiner, in case my song wasn’t clear.  Stupid Caillou.

5.  Some theme songs just get stuck in my head.  On endless loops of animated insanity.  Special Agent Oso (he’s a unique stuffed bear, btw).  Gaspard & Lisa (“Hello, Bonjour!).  My Big Big Friend (OMG…  we get it.  He’s your friend and he’s big. Carry on.).  Sid the Science Kid (Hey, Sid, whattaya say?  Shut it, Sid!!!)  At this very moment, the twins are watching Toy Story 3, and I guaran-damn-tee I’ll be singing or humming “You’ve got a friend in me…”  all the live long day.


Now Read This

Today’s gratitude is for good books.  Well-written, spell-binding, page turners that remind me with every movement of my bookmark that I love to read.

There are three general kinds of books that I like to read.

Books that teach me.

I could’ve just called these non-fiction, but, really I don’t think of myself as a fan of non-fiction per se.  I don’t go to the library and peruse the non-fiction shelves for a book to call out to me.  But, if I’m in a quandary, or on a mission, I often lean on the non-fiction catalog at BCPL to give me guidance.  Diet/nutrition books.  Books on spirituality or meditation.  Books on the art of writing.  Books about child-rearing or marriage.  At this point, I am in the middle of reading 3 non-fiction books.  I pick them up when I’m feeling studious.  And I feel they make me a better person.

Books that inspire me.

Every time I pick up a new Anne Rice book, I’m inspired.  Same with Stephen King, J.K. Rowling, Audrey Niffenegger.  I feel a kinship with them as a fellow author, and I aspire to the success and world-wide readership they enjoy.  I read them and think, wow…  That’s how you craft a story.  That’s how you make us care about the characters, see ourselves in them, hope the best or worst for them.  That’s how you build a world.  I just started reading Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn.  I’m still at the very beginning, but I’m swept in.  I relate to the characters, I can see where they live, I want to know more.  And I think, “Yes.  THIS.  I want to write like this.”

Then there are the books that I read and think, “Wow.  Great story.  Wonderful concept.  But… I could tell it better.”  Holy smokes, I’m full of myself, Peeps.  Gah.  Anyway, I won’t list those here, because that’s just rude and unfair.  But these authors, these books are important too.  There are jillions of readers out there, and there is something for everyone.  And that is awesome.

Books that simply sweep me away.

Some books are simply damn good entertainment.  They are quick reads, not bogged down with a lot of gingerbread, like my Grandma would say.  Books like Laurel K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake series, or the Twilight Saga, or the Demon-Hunting Soccer Mom books by Julie Kenner.  I used to be very into Danielle Steele when I was in high school, and now and then I’ll pick up a Nora Roberts book when I want some romance or maybe an Emily Giffin.  When I am in the mood for scary, and I don’t have the patience to read Stephen King, I’ll pick up Dean Koontz.  His book What the Night Knows was one of the scariest books I’ve ever read.  I had to hide it from myself.  No joke.  And for a while there, I was reading a J.D. Robb book a week.  I just adore Eve Dallas.  I will probably go get one of those when I finish Gone Girl.


So, thank you publishers.  Thank you libraries and Barnes & Noble.  Thank you Mrs Kadar, my kindergarten teacher.  Thank you Big Bird & Friends.  Thank you Electric Company.  Thank you Mom for reading to me, and being a reader yourself.

My Vampire could kick your Honor Student’s Butt

One of my must DVR shows is The Vampire Diaries on The CW.  Based very loosely on the novels of the same name by L.J. Smith, the show follows a group of teenagers -some are vampires (Caroline, Stefan, Damon), there are a couple of werewolf/vampire hybrids (Klaus & Tyler), a witch (Bonnie), a boy who can see ghosts (Jeremy), and the human girl who binds them all, Elena.  (I left out plain old human Matt, but, really, I don’t get why he’s still in Mystic Falls.  His parents and sister are gone, and the town is over run with supernaturals with whom he really doesn’t fit in, so…  Move on, Matt.  Move on.)

TVD, as it will heretofore be called, was a show I initially hesitated about watching.  I’d been burned by one too many vampire shows since the end of my beloved Buffy and Angel series.  Moonlight?  Dumb.  But Bestie and (even) her husband was watching, so I dove in.  I actually read the books first and was not impressed.  The show turned out to be an epic surprise.  I loved it.  Damon’s bad-boy charm and quippy one-liners filled the void left by Spike.  Stefan was all broody, romantic, and soulful, like Angel, and even had a crazy evil alter-ego to boot.  Bonnie was a more tragic and less whimsical version of Willow.  And Tyler, well, no offense to the adorable Seth Green, but Oz wasn’t nearly as easy on the eyes, Peeps.  Caroline, probably one of the most underrated characters on the show, is a wonderful mix of both Cordelia and Harmony.  This story world even had its own Giles.  Alas, poor Alaric…  But even though I love the program, something is missing.  Yes, there is no Buffy.  Strong, fierce, badass, quirky, lethally talented with a variety of sharp objects, Buffy.

I had a similar conversation one night at Bestie’s house.  We had watched one of the Twilights that weekend, and also an episode of TVD.  We may have even watched True Blood.  We were on a vampire spree.  One of us lamented about the female heroine’s lack of, um, heroism.

I said, “They should come out with a movie or book or show with a chick vampire who kicks ass.”

Bestie said, “Yeah.  Hey, you should write it!”

“I totally should.”  I paused, thinking it over, “I think I totally could.”

“You definitely could.”

Thus began my ongoing personal saga of writing a vampire novel.  The main character becomes a vampire.  Her name is Courtney.  She rocks.  😀

Watching the most recent episode of TVD, (Spoiler Alert), I am reminded again of the lack of badassery in the latest crop of vampiresses-to-be.  Neither Bella nor Elena give this transition its just desserts.

Elena is just newly a vampire, thanks to being forced off the road by a true bad ass vampiress, Rebekah.  Well, ol’ Becks was just trying to finally rid the world of the most insecure and distressed damsel this side of Forks, WA.  She didn’t know that Elena had been dosed with a little vampire blood to cure her of a bad head injury or some such nonsense.  So, she died with the blood in her system, and accidentally became undead.  Something everyone was so so careful that she’d never turn out to be.  Oh wells.  But did Elena embrace The Dark Gift?  Did she revel in the fact that she was no longer so fragile and weak, so powerless against her enemies?  That she could finally, really do something to protect herself and the people she loves?  No…  she was all wishy-washy and “oh woe, woe… whatever shall I do?” as usual.

If Courtney was in Elena’s shoes, she’d have fed off of Jeremy or Matt or some other nearby mortal as soon as she came to.  Then she’d have kissed both Stefan and Damon full on the mouths and hightailed it to wherever Rebekah was holed up for an epic final showdown.  She might even have donned a kick ass pair of boots.  She seems like a boots kinda gal.

Bella, differs from Elena mostly in one fact.  Elena never wanted immortality.  Bella begged for it.  But like her Mystic Falls counterpart, Miss Swan is the weak link in her group of supernaturals.  She’s constantly in danger, and therefore putting the lives of everyone she knows and loves in jeopardy.  And doing nothing really except whining about it.  C’mon, Bells…  Edward is not the only vampire in the world.  You really want The Dark Gift, I guarantee you could find at least one shimmering Cold One to bestow it upon you.  Then Edward wouldn’t have been wracked with guilt about it, his family wouldn’t risk going against his wishes, Jake & the rest of the Wolf Pack would have one less reason to hate the Cullens, and you’d be less vulnerable to all the baddies who for some reason are constantly after you.

Courtney would probably ignore the Forks coven altogether because they are generally wasting all the awesomeness that comes with being a vampire and that’s just lazy.  They certainly don’t seem to have a full grasp on how different they are from humans, how their existence is a miracle and a curse.  They just lack dimension.  Courtney would be bored.

As you can see Peeps, I’m fired up about my little labor of love.  I’ll perhaps share more with you about Courtney and her story on Fiction Fridays.

But, until then…  Stay Thirsty My Friends.  (I am just so lame)