Pillow Talk and the Modern Marriage (well, My Modern Marriage, anyway)

Last Saturday morning, the hubs and I were relaxing in bed, putting off actually getting up to make breakfast for the twins, and chatting.  As marrieds do…

I rolled towards him and started rubbing his shoulder.

Hubs:  Why are your hands so hot?

Me: (pulling my hand away) I don’t know.

Hubs: I didn’t say you have to stop!

Me: (resuming running my hand on his shoulder)

Hubs: I got something a little lower you can rub!

Me: (rolling back towards the wall with a sigh)

Hubs: What?  (farts loudly)

Me: Nice…  that sounded like the last of the mustard bottle.  Did you get any on ya?

Hubs: (laughing)  That was my dick!

Me: (laughing)  What????  

Hubs:  Why can vaginas fart, but not dicks?

Me: I’m glad they don’t because men would be farting out their dicks ALL the time on purpose.  It would be chaos.

Hubs: I wish I could make mine whistle.

Me: (laughing harder)  Whistle?  Oh. My. God.

Hubs: (whistles tune of “If I Only Had a Brain” from The Wizard of Oz)

 

This is true love, Peeps.  All you singles out there with all your romantic ideas of what marriage is like, You’re Welcome.

 

 

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I missed the Nerd Revolution and I’m bitter about it.

Another blogger posted a thought on FB the other day which is one that has been percolating in my brain for a few years now…

When did it become cool to be a nerd? 

Nerds rule the world and they are the new cool kids.  Sheldon and the gang never have to fear rejection from the masses.  The Doctor wears a friggin bow tie and makes it look cool.  Because they are cool, ya know…  bowties…  There are entire weekend long conventions across the nation for nerds of all kinds.  The internet is their domain, for sure.  Chris Hardwick has not one, but TWO television shows and a podcast dedicated to nerdom.  He even coined his own term for today’s nerds- Nerdist.  Because they are elite now. 

I mean, yeah, I get it, nerds are awesome.  I’m one of them.  (Although, I might classify more as a dork b/c I was never asked to join the National Honor Society, nor was I ever in any academic clubs or anything). But whether one is a nerd, a dork, or a geek, your time is NOW.  You have permeated pop culture.

What’s bugging me, I guess, is that I was a dork before it was chic. And that blows.

I never got asked to prom.  Didn’t have my first kiss until college.  Had glasses and braces and loved Anne Rice before it was en vogue.  In my formative years, in the height of my own geekhood, I was invisible, a non-entity, and I’m bitter about it. 

Why couldn’t nerds have come into power about 20 years earlier?

Gah.

 

 

If Scroogy wrote for Soaps

This month marks the epic 50th anniversary of General Hospital, a show near and dear to my heart.  As I watch the events of the 2013 Nurse’s Ball unfold, I can’t help but want to write my own versions of these story arcs.  (Note: I have not watched today’s episode yet, so…)

Ahem:

  1. After Duke’s and Anna’s sexually charged tango performance, we find that someone has again been impersonating one half of one of GH’s legendary supercouples.  Except this time?  It’s Filomena impersonating Anna!  She’s been alive and obsessed with Duke all these years and has come back to PC to claim him.
  2. Richard Simmons reveals the reason for his angry outburst…  He is Sam Morgan’s father!  He blames Lucy and her vampire delusions for the danger Sam & Danny had been in at the hands of Stephen Clay and vows his revenge on everyone who has hurt his daughter and grandson!  It is Richard Simmons who will finally take out Heather Webber after he is taken to the same psychiatric facility for the criminally insane.
  3. Frisco, heartbroken over Felicia’s rejection, turns to his old pal Rick Springfield for solace…  and finds true love!  He serenades him with a rewritten version of Lady of my Heart entitled Laddy of my Heart.  Springfield follows up with a new version of Jessie’s Girl called Maxie’s Dad.
  4. Shawn Butler, jealous that he was left out of the Magic Milo number, storms the stage and goes Full Monty.  The entire place buys a round of congratulatory drinks for Alexis.  She is named the new Mayor of Port Charles and her first order of business is to declare that Shawn must be shirtless 80% of the day.
  5. Sabrina and Patrick, having finally professed their love, are shocked when Britt reveals that her parents, Faison and Evil Dr Obrecht secretly created both Sabrina and Patrick in a genetic superlab, and their offspring will be born with the blood that is the only cure for HIV/AIDS.  They will then reveal that Robin is alive, but she is succumbing to the virus and the only way to save her is for Patrick and Sabrina to procreate.

I’ll be waiting for ABC’s call…

Haha.

Story of my life…

I started one of those Good Things jars I saw on FB or Pinterest.

Image

You know the ones, where you write any good event on a scrap of paper and save it to be read on NYE of next year.

Well, mine is only about a week old, so I only have one Good Thing so far.

The other day, I left my office door open while I went downstairs to fold laundry.

Came back up to find the twins had taken the lid off the jar and crumpled up my one scrap of paper.

They ruin all my Good Things.

Seems like there’s some sort of powerful metaphor here at work…

Story of my Life.

Adventures in Mommyhood

  • Lala was complaining about a teeny tiny bruise on her leg and I may have told her it had to be amputated and replaced with a wooden leg and that we’d change her name to Peg.
  • I taught my daughters to refer to each other as “Homie” and instructed them how to offer a knuckle sandwich (shaking their fists) and how to ask for money (calling it “cizzash” and rubbing their first two fingers against their thumbs).  I am raising baby badasses.
  • They accidentally walked in on Daddy in the bathroom- only seeing him from behind- and wanted to know why Daddy stands up to pee.  And after I explained that males have penises and that penises work differently than vulvas, I may have also told them that it against the law for females to look at penises.  I had to think of something because they kept asking to see Daddy’s penis.
  • I came home from running errands to find that Loopsy had dumped a considerable portion of her piggy bank contents on the living room floor.  I asked her how that happened and she glanced at it, sighed, and said, “Um… it’s a long story.”  And then she went about her business.  Alrighty then.
  • Hubs and the kids made me cupcakes for my birthday.  Loopsy ran upstairs as they were baking to tell me, “Mommy, we made cupcakes.  But they are not for you.  They are just a teeny-weeny treat for Daddy for being so nice to you today.”  🙂  Then as they were cooling and waiting to be frosted, she told me, “Guess what, Mommy!  I tricked you!  The cupcakes ARE for your birfday!”
  • We’d made plans for a movie date, but had to change plans last-minute due to babysitting issues.  So, instead, we decided to go out to eat.  Hubs was a bit grouchy when we were getting ready to leave and Lala asked him, “Daddy, did you get enough sleep?”  And Loopsy followed up with, “Yeah, you seem pretty cranky today.”  D’oh.

It’s my gosh darn New Year. Get your own.

There is something wonderfully symmetrical about having a New Year’s birthday.  (Mine’s NYE, but whatevs.  Still counts.)

My new year really is the New Year.

So get your own.

Really…

People with late December birthdays deal with enough combo bullshit.  Deal with too many people being too busy doing their own holiday thing to acknowledge the anniversary of our births.  So…  I take ownership.

Yes…  It’s my New Year.  You had yours.

Christmas Shopping Shenanigans

I finished my Christmas shopping yesterday (sorta).  The twins and I went out during the day for a few things, then after hubby came home, I went out on a Santa mission. I finished not just the kids, but everyone else we are giving to by Christmas.  Whew!  Let me tell ya, there are many crazy folks like me, and folks nuttier than I am out on Dec 19…

  • At Michael’s (a craft store, btw), a large lady with no bra and torpedo boobs that faced due southwest and southeast, argued with the cashier about having to provide proper identification in order to return two spools of wide gold ribbon for cash.  I couldn’t stop looking at her breasts.  It was embarrassing, and it reminded me to never skip wearing a bra.  Even to go get the mail.
  • Meanwhile, my daughters were touching everything in sight.  Craft stores are like nirvana for my little creative monkeys.  They wanted EVERYTHING.  If I wasn’t so fixated on Torpedo Boobs and her argument with the cashier, maybe I would’ve noted specifically what they wanted so that I could go back later.  Oh well.
  • In the Lalaloopsy aisle of Toys R Us, a frantic daddy phoned his child and said, “Well, honey, what if Santa can’t find the doll with the furry stuff that you wanted?  What other one would you want…”  Um.  I…  Um…  *sigh*
  • Speaking of dads in Toys R Us…  I don’t know if I’m just being a judgy-judgerson or jumping to conclusions, but it seems to me that Divorced Dads are really easy to spot.  They are usually wandering aimlessly in their leather bomber jackets and dark washed denim, picking up toys at random, with no list or idea what their kids have been asking for, and price checking.  One dad picked up a Butterscotch Pony (which my kids asked for, but there’s no way, Peeps).  I knew they were pretty pricey, and so I watched as Allegedly Divorced Dad scanned the price checker and made a “Oh hell to the no” face.  I couldn’t help but smirk. They are about $120.  I’d have to get two, so… yeah.  No.  But, see I’m a mom, and I researched this shit.
  • The shelf stocking staff at Walmart either a.) can’t keep up with crazy Walmart consumers, b.) quit yesterday, or c.) are seriously slackers.  Nothing was in a “section”.  I walked in, and walked right back out.  I don’t have time for this.  Although, I could’ve people watched there for hours if it wasn’t Christmas Crunch Time.
  • For some reason, all toy stores or toy departments I ventured into contained various and sundry dolls and furniture and other large bulky accessories, but no m-er effin’ CLOTHES for dolls!  I could’ve sworn there were tons of selections available a few mere weeks ago.  See, this is what my procrastination gets me.  Would it be okay if Santa gave my daughters gift cards to buy party dresses and pajamas for their Cabbage Patch Dolls?  Gah.
  • “You can have wine when you get home, you can have wine when you get home, you can have wine when you get home…”  My mantra as my back ached, my feet hurt, my hands cramped from carrying 4 shopping bags through White Marsh Mall at 9:45 pm.

Ah, the holidays…  Comfort and joy, my ass.

Goodbye Jersey Shore

I have not watched any of this final season of MTVs Jersey Shore, save last week’s penultimate episode in which Snooki & Deena hold Meatball Auditions and Mike pretends he used to have enough rhythm and coordination to have been a stripper.  I will most definitely watch this week’s finale and the crazy- ridiculous (TM Sherry Leggett) live reunion show, however.  Because, I mean…  “Aw yeah, live show, yeah…”

For those Peeps unfamiliar with the shenanigans of the Seaside Heights crew, consider yourself lucky, and quite a few braincells ahead of the game.  (I was so so tempted to put “ahead of the situation” there, but I didn’t want anyone to think I meant THE Situation, so…  yeah.)  For those of you who know, love, and often use the phrases “The shirt before the shirt” or “CABS A’ HERE!” or “I’m a blast in a glass!”, here are my goodbyes to our beloved Guidos and Guidettes:

  • Mike “The Situation”:  God Bless you, son…  You are just at the tail end of your 15 minutes of fame.  I pray that you find a support group as you GTL your way out of “celebrity” and into “irrelevance”.  Maybe Jonny Fairplay from Survivor could hook you up.  Needless to say, Peeps, Mike is my least favorite.  I need to go wash my hands now.  I feel germy.
  • Ronnie & Sami “Sweetheart”:  I lump you two together as one because you really had no “storyline” without one another.  Your courtship was the best of times, the worst of times.  But mostly the worst.  I am embarrassed to admit that I could see my own past relationship debacles reflected in yours.  I saw in the last episode that you plan on moving in together and see yourselves married with kids in 10 years.  *sigh*  Good luck.  Get therapy.  And invest in padded walls in that condo you’re looking for.
  • Deena: Aww, Meatball…  You look great, BTW.  Wow, Peeps, it’s obvs that I didn’t really like those first three, huh?  Anyway, thanks for introducing me to the Jersey Turnpike.  I used to joke that I’d do the Roger Rabbit at my kid’s weddings to embarrass them.  Now the plan is Jersey Turnpikin’ it all the way.  May you find your Gorilla Juice Head Prince Charming and live happily ever after and have many Mini-Meatballs.
  • Jenni “JWow”:  Hey girrrlll…  I’m not sure you and I would ever have been friends, but, I appreciate your fierceness.  You’re not afraid to stand up for yourself or tell it like it is, and sometimes you can be such a royal bitch, but mostly it’s out of love.  I wish you didn’t feel the need for so much cosmetic surgery, though, because otherwise, Chica, I’d say that out of all the Jersey Shorians, you have the most role model potential for little girls.  After all, you are a Bratz doll come to life.  😀
  • Pauly D:  I will miss you most of all, Scarecrow….  I hope you get to keep some of the money that is being made off t-shirt decals on the Jersey Shore.  Your catch phrases were money.  True story, bro.
  • Vinnie:  I have a secret crush on you, Vin…  I can’t explain it.  And no, it has nothing to do with what Snooki says about your… ya know… 😉  Staten Island in da house!
  • Snooki:  I don’t know what it is about you, but you’re just adorable.  I want to put you in my pocket.  Good luck with Jionni and Lorenzo and your business ventures.  I’m still totes jelly that you got a book deal.  I mean, what?  Anyway, keep on keepin’ on, sistah.

Oh my goodness, you guys… this show was crap.  Really.  But it was OUR crap.  And I will miss you.  (for a little bit anyway…  eventually I’ll get caught up with Downton Abbey).

Peace.

Is that bad?

As a companion to my Motherhood Monday’s feature of Kiddie Comic Relief, I will also be posting questions I ask myself about mothering.

Is it bad if…:

  • The kids asked for animal crackers for breakfast and I gave them some?  That’s ok, right?  Most of my FB friends seem to think so.
  • I sometimes “treat” my kids with activities they’d be a part of regardless, like going grocery shopping? I tell them they can’t go unless they clean up ( or finish their lunch, or stop fighting, etc).  It actually works.  Suckers.
  • During the spring and fall months when we have our house windows open, I often tell the girls that if they play/sing/fuss too loudly that our neighbors will call the cops and we’ll go to jail?
  • I once told Loopsy that the bottom drawer of her dresser was filled with tiny polka-dotted monkeys that like to eat children just so she’d stop opening it and throwing her clothes all over the room?  In my defense, she was only about 2 at the time, and I didn’t think she was really paying attention.  I certainly didn’t count on her actually believing me.
  • Hubs and I ate all the good (read: chocolate) candy from their Halloween buckets and we told them that they must’ve eaten them?

I’m definitely going to hell for some of these.

Kiddie Comic Relief III

  • After sampling some of her Halloween stash, Loopsy declared Skittles the best M&Ms ever, prompting me to Google the number of that DNA testing place that Maury Povich uses because clearly I am not her real mother.
  • I sang a silly made up song to the girls the other day in a terrible off-key voice.  I asked them if they liked my singing.  Lala said that I’m the best singer, but that Daddy is the best dancer.  If you’ve ever seen my Hubby dance or heard me sing, you’ll realize just what I did…  This kids are full of shit.
  • At a restaurant, a nice lady stopped to talk to the twins.  She asked them if they have a special secret language.  Lala told her yes, sometimes they whisper to each other.  She asked them what they whisper about and Loopsy answered, “We say, ‘Why is Mommy so grumpy?'”  Sigh.
  • They both just told their Daddy that he’s going to be on the naughty list because he is yelling.  He was not yelling.